Bonus: Thank You, Mom.

This is going to be the realest real blog post of all time.

I have an awesome Mom. And since Mother’s day was on Sunday – I wanted to do a post to my mom because I think she could definitely use the cheering up and the appreciation.

First, I want to thank all of the other mother figures/maternal figures that I have had. I want to thank Shar, my Aunt Kathy who adored me more than life, my Godmother – Sharon, my step-grandmother Val, Mama Hauk – who continues to treat me as her second ‘Abby’ – even though her daughter, Abby, and I have been best friends for 10 years, Mama Schaeffer, Nancy, Denise, and Val. Thank you to all of you for helping me – in some way – become the woman I am today.

Also, a special mention of my dad’s mom that we affectionately called Cookie Grandma. I never got a chance to know Cookie Grandma because she passed when I was about two years old. But you helped raise my father to be the most selfless, honorable, caring, and wonderful man I have ever known and for that I will always be eternally grateful. RIP Cookie Grandma.

This past weekend (Saturday) was my grandmother’s memorial and two of my cousins spoke and I gave a speech. I was very proud of it. I knew my grandmother well and loved her very dearly so I hope that I honored her memory. I’m going to put a short poem that I found in my Grandma’s journal here. My grandmother kept several journals throughout her life and I poured through them to be able to offer her own insight to her family about losing two children and about having dementia as it developed and got worse. But in one of her journals was a copy of this poem simply credited to C.R. This is what I finished my memorial speech with and it touched me. So I’m going to post this below.

Celebrate the temporary.
Don’t wait until tomorrow.
Live today.
Celebrate the simple things.
Enjoy the butterfly.
Embrace the snow.
Run with the ocean.
Delight in trees or a single flower.
Go barefoot in the wet grass.

Don’t wait until all the problems are solved
or all the bills are paid.
You will wait forever.
Eternity will come and go and you will still be waiting.

Live in the now with all the problems and its agonies
with its joy and its pain.

Celebrate your despair and your anger and your grief.
It means you’re alive.

Look closer.
Breathe deeper.
Stand taller.
Stop grieving the past.

It is temporary
Here and gone
So celebrate it while you can

Celebrate the temporary

I just wanted to share this poem with all of you. In case anyone needed to hear it. I did.

My grandmother was very special to me. She and I went to tea parties and ice cream socials and all kinds of lady like activities. She and I would spend afternoons after school watching old soap operas. We went to the movies like it was nobody’s business. (Seriously, Grandma and I saw a TON of movies.) I think A Walk To Remember was the first movie I remember BAWLING MY DAMN EYES OUT and we both walked back to the car crying. I remember walking her dogs and sitting on the back patio sipping juice and watching the puppies run around. I remember playing American Girl Dolls. I was just, all around, the best girlfriend she could have ever had. I remember many Christmas Eves eating lasagna because she didn’t eat meat on Christmas Eve. I remember when she moved away and gave me a set of costume gold bangles that I have worn on my right wrist every day for approximately 10 years. I never take them off. 

Grandma – Even if your last few days in the hospital – you were asking for a glass of merlot and a manicure. Classy AF, Grandma. I’m glad in the past two and a halfish years that you moved back to PA and that I became your secondary caretaker and I got to know you better and get close to you again as an adult. I read your journals and got to see the picture of a beautiful woman that I didn’t get the chance to know before the dementia. I know your life was filled to the brim with tragedy and grief – more than any one person should ever have to bear. And I’m glad that in the face of every negative thought, every moment you let yourself miss your sons, every moment that you knew dementia was creeping in – you counted a blessing and a joy that life had brought you. I hope that you are at peace with Pop Pop and Kevin and Keith. I love you.

Now two special Thank You Notes to my Mother. 

Mom, Thank you for raising me. And I’m great. But – in all actuality – here is a real life list of things you have done for me that I will always appreciate and be grateful for. I hope that since I couldn’t afford too much of a Mother’s Day gift that this list will be a nice replacement. 

Things My Mom Has Done That I Am Grateful For:

-Love me.
-Respect me.
-Believe in me to always do my best. Whether it was academics, in a performance, as a writer or a blogger, or for a job. You always have believed in me. (and when I was being impractical, you usually let me know. Which I hate – but appreciate)
-You have come to every single one of my shows. From my biggest starring roles to a kids show about dinosaurs to four consecutive years of the Vagina Monologues.
-You have made me get off the east coast. So many people in their life never even leave their home state. And you wanted me to travel and to be inspired to travel. Some of my best memories are of you, Adam, and I traveling the country (34 states total, 9 countries, a zillion cities, small towns, and weird stops) and seeing how the rest of the country is. I saw the amber waves of grain, sideways lightening, a great lake, the biggest ball of twine, the Santa Monica pier, the Bat Cave, the St. Louis Arch, Vegas, and so many more. I got to have my feet in the Atlantic and the Pacific ocean in the same month. I am eternally grateful for those experiences.
-You have supported me in so many ways since I got laid off in September.
–You asked the questions (to doctors, salesmen, colleges, etc.) that I was too naive to know to ask in the first place.
-You came and picked me up at camp because I was homesick.
-You spent my entire first semester of college on the phone with me every night as I sobbed and cried because I was so unhappy.
-You have taught me the standards of a healthy, loving, and equal marriage that one day I hope to emulate with Preston.
-You made me quirky AF.
-Dealt with me between the ages of 12-16. That’s just amazing that any parent survives that phase.
-Taught me the power of good negotiation skills and how to get a good deal and be responsible with money.
-You made me awesome Halloween costumes.
-You reassure my inner hypochondriac that I am not dying.
-You elaborately painted (and re-painted later) my bedroom.
-You made me have an uncanny eye for design, color scheme, clean lines, and interior decorating. I have impeccable taste. (Adam does too.)
-Made me always see value in myself and my ability.
– You helped me pick out my first car (that wasn’t the hand-me-down station wagon).
-You have taught me the importance of ‘the family table.’
-You have always encouraged me to do my best. And if that meant a C in math class, at least I passed.
-You have always supported my writing. Creative or otherwise. Even when I was less than impressed with myself.
-You post all of my accomplishments on your Facebook…because my wins are your wins too. (Adam may hate it – but I don’t!)
-Even when I’m an adult – you still come over to my room when I’m sick and sit with me – even if it is three AM.
-You have gotten me out of more than one financial pickle.
-You gave me the travel bug and the excitement to always want more and to see more.
-You gave me baton twirling classes, swim team, Girl Scouts, theatre, Sunday School, chorus, acting classes, gymnastics, and dance classes as a child. I appreciate all of that  (even if I only really stuck with one of them.)
-You gave me trust. I didn’t have to earn it. You gave it to me. And even then, I respected that. Which is why I was never trouble in school. I was scared to disappoint you.
-You howed me what it means to be a wife, mother, and daughter.
-You told me that it was okay to fail sometimes and the best you can do is pick up and keep going.
-You made me super weird. I also poke Preston and bother him. Sometimes I see you do the exact same things to Dad and I remember that at least I come by it honestly.
-You fought battles for me that I was not strong enough to fight myself.  

I also would like to take a moment to thank my mom for what she did for my Grandmother. 

Mom. I know how much of the past two and a half years you gave up to care for Grandma (and Pop-Pop). I know that it became a full time second job. I know that you would leave your full time job and go over and care for them and some nights didn’t come home until 8pm or 9pm and were exhausted and barely got time to feed yourself. I know that you sacrificed social engagements, friends, a new job and your own self identity to take care of them. I know that you would go over and scrub the floors, pick up dog poop, wash the sheets, make dinner, clean up, and then come home to our house.

I know that you sacrificed working hours and personal days and sick days to take Grandma and Pop-Pop to doctor’s appointments and specialists. I know that you took holidays and weekends to make sure she had her hair cut and the dogs to the vet and groomed and her nails done and that she always had someone social to see her on any day you couldn’t be there. I know that going on vacation or away on  weekends became a struggle.. I know that you spent hours and days near the end trying to find a family to adopt her senior dogs together because she couldn’t care for them anymore. I know that you made the arrangement for Pop Pop’s funeral and eventually for Grandma’s. I know that you arranged all of the family to speak at their memorials. I know you booked the church, and the funeral home, bought the urns, arranged the burials, and the food for Pop Pop’s funeral.

I know that you helped them move back from Florida, unpacked their house, replaced the carpets, and painted the walls. I know that we helped them move TO Florida, and spent two whole days packing and cleaning their house while movers were taking out a box at a time. I know that you flew down to Florida for a week to arrange their house, paint the new condo, and unpacked them there. I know you arranged a helper to come in and do the heavy cleaning once a week, drove her back and forth and fed her dinner nearly every night. I know you spent double the amount of time at the grocery store buying her groceries and sundries and keeping careful books on all of her money. 

I know how infrequently other members of our family came. Once a week. Maybe once a month. Maybe twice since they moved back in 2013. I know in some cases – location made it difficult. I know that you fought daily battles – not against Grandma -but against Grandma’s dementia for even the most simple activities – to get dressed, to brush her teeth, to eat, to let the dogs outside. I know that you battled with her oxygen machine daily.I know after she passed that you cleaned the whole house – moved all the furniture outside, cleaned it and then moved it back inside, and cleaned out the whole house.

I know that even after they have both passed that you have spent many more nights and weekends planning the memorial, arranging the burial at sea, hiring carpet cleaners, arranging lawyers, accountants, real estate agents, antique dealers, Goodwill, the plumber, etc.I know how many nights of exhaustion and frustration that you cried. I know how many other people in our family don’t know how much you did and often accused you of not doing enough. I know how little they appreciate how hard you worked to honor both Pop Pop and Grandma, even after Pop-Pop died and to keep their affairs in order.

I know that on Sundays instead of relaxing – you balanced their checkbooks, paid their bills, set up their accounts, and fought their battles.Some may say that this is a daughter’s duty. But I know better. I know that many place their mothers with dementia in nursing homes, hire live-in help, or simply visit when they can. I know that you did not do that to save Grandma’s money in case she had an expensive medical treatment or an emergency. I know that you did not move her in with us because even at the end Grandma valued her independence and this was a way that you could let her keep it – even if it was harder on you. I know you didn’t send her away because she wanted to stay with her dogs a little longer. It’s no coincidence that Grandma passed only two weeks after her last affair was settled. You gave her that peace of mind.

I know how little anyone has ever thanked you for all that you did for them. But I know. I know all of it. I was right by your side, your second in command, and your right hand man. I was there with you – four, five nights a week working. I was there bringing her coffee in the morning, taking the dogs places, taking Grandma shopping, making her dinner, running to the store to get more wine, driving her around, going to the doctor, coming to and from the hospital, taking her to get her nails done or out to lunch, stopping just to watch a movie and gossip about boys because she loved girl talk and needed a friend. I know Elizabeth and Ray were Godsends to us. I know some of our family did all that they could. And since no one else has ever cared to appreciate you for it – I do. I appreciate all that you did. All that you gave up. All that you helped for. All of yourself that you lost in becoming a caretaker. All that you saved and sacrificed. I can only hope to honor you as a daughter as much as you have to your mother in the past two years. Thank you for everything that you did and that you continue to do.

Grandma wrote it in her journal:

“They say God doesn’t send you more than you can bear, but I’m not sure that’s always true.” 

You can bear this, Mom. You can get through it. I’m still your second in command, your right hand man, and right by your side. Please take the poem that Grandma had written in her journal as a sign. Live in the temporary. It will all pass.

Because this is a bonus post – I’ll leave the schpiel for Thursday. This week Preston & I are going to tackle His & Her: Theme Outfits. It’s going to be tons of fun.

Let me know how you all celebrated Mother’s Day or a special memory with you mother or a mom figure in your life in the comments below.

Love you Mom. Love you Grandma.