Or I guess, hello former friends.
I miss you, I do.
There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being cut out of someone’s, who you care deeply for, life. It’s confusing, it’s hurtful, it’s angering, it’s a relief, it’s heartbreaking, and it pops up every day of my damn life.
I have four. Four people who have completely cut me out of their life. I know people who have none and I know people who have twenty. The ones with twenty have very thick skin. I have four, I do not have thick skin.
So at this moment, I would like to acknowledge them.
I have talked extensively at therapy about these situations and it has helped me realize a few things.
To the one who got away,
We had chemistry in a toxic way. When we were in the room together, it was like the universe shifted, and I could barely think when you were there. You’d brush my hair back and I thought I would melt. You helped me discover a lot of really important things about myself and my sexuality and my ethics.
I knew it was hard for you to date a plus sized girl. That’s something that most teenage boys struggled with. I don’t blame you for that. Preston, who prefers plus women, even dated skinny girls in high school. He said it was easier. It probably was.
What I didn’t understand was the girlfriends’ backs we were kissing behind all those years. All these years, I thought it was me that couldn’t control myself, but it was you. All those years, I thought you had the control of us, but it was me.
I miss the chemistry and connection and conversation. I miss your jokes and your music taste (always super weird) and the easiness of laughing together.
A few years ago, you dropped off the map. No texts, calls sent straight to voicemail, Facebook messages ignored. You got engaged, you got a career, you got married, you grew as man and a husband and a partner.
I was initially hurt. And then angry. And then confused. There had been no inciting incident, no big blow up fight, no weirdness the last time we saw each other.
But what there was, was chemistry. And after 10 years, you were braver than I was and decided that you could no longer grow with me in your life. You needed to continue to grow with a partner with similar goals and love and experience. I did too.
I’m not sorry for our connection.
I am not sorry for the things I learned about love and life and sexuality and friendship.
I am not sorry for the memories that we made and the memories that are stained with tints of you. I love the tint.
I am sorry that I was preventing you from growing as a person. No one wants to be that person to someone they care about.
I hope your life with your new bride is fulfilling to you, romantically, spiritually, and professionally. I hope you continue to grow together and have a beautiful family and travel the world, just like you always wanted to.
Maybe one day my husband can meet your wife and we can reminisce about fun memories.
Maybe I’ll never see you again and your name will eventually fade into the background of my memory as a fond former flame. Maybe one day we’ll meet again.
Until then, I will always maintain, you jump, I jump, right?
To the one who made assumptions,
Dear friend, I miss you every day. I cry about the circumstances of losing you frequently.
I talk about this in therapy also. Almost every session.
You accused me of something terrible that I didn’t do. You accused me of adultery and acting inappropriately towards a married man.
My personality is bubbly and flirtatious in general. I can hardly help who I am. But I would have repeated every single thing I said to him in front of you, my mom, his wife, and Preston.
Nothing nefarious was afoot. Nothing suspicious. No malintent. No dishonesty.
But when he and I started to develop a friendship, it was immediately misinterpreted as predatory and villainous. I was banned from your home and from speaking to him…and eventually banned from speaking to you.
I apologized profusely for the consequences of my actions. I refuse to apologize for my intentions or actions. I would have done them again. I understand that this issue in their marriage is far deeper and wider than me – but I am the one who ended up alone and getting punished.
I’ve been trying to call, text, and message apologies and pleas for us to work through it. I haven’t heard from you since the night you told me I wasn’t welcome in your home anymore.
I invited you to my wedding.
You unfriended me on Facebook.
I miss our talks. I admired you as a mentor, as a woman, as a role model, and as a friend. I valued your opinion so highly. I miss your advice. I miss our gossip. I miss long summer nights on the porch.
I’m sorry that I was the catalyst in an issue that was something I couldn’t have prevented.
Please understand, my respect for you is very deep. My pain and hurt is deeper.
To the one that imploded my life,
This one will be short.
We were really wonderful for each other until we were incredibly toxic to each other.
You really fucked me up. I wonder a lot if I fucked you up too.
I want to apologize for the things I did wrong. I wonder a lot if you want to apologize for the things you did.
I desperately desire closure. I wonder a lot why you don’t need it.
We were so toxic to each other at that time that we couldn’t grow anymore. We were so young.
You were just braver than I was. You always were. You cut the tie, permanently and irrevocably. You were right to do what you did.
But you left me in the middle of the night, like a coward, and I didn’t even get to say good-bye. Now, most nights I lay down with Preston, a flicker of fear flashes through my mind that he won’t be there when I wake up. I struggle with abandonment and rejection.
I wish you lots of future love, success, and bravery used for good.
For the fourth one,
I am incredibly tired of being the bigger man. And I won’t be again.
To the ones who I don’t know about,
I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I’m sorry that I had no idea of the intentional slight towards me. I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you feel that I could no longer be a part of your life.
I’m happy for our fond memories together.
I understand more now. I couldn’t understand before, but I do now.
We couldn’t grow together anymore.
And I’m always too afraid of losing people that I fight too hard to keep people.
Even people who are preventing me from growing. Even people who I’m holding back.
I wish you nothing but happiness, success, love, joy, and fulfillment.
I am tragically sad that I couldn’t be in your life to experience those things.
SO HERE’S THE “END OF BLOG” SPIEL!
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Love all you wonderful ladies (and gents!) out there!
This happened to me quite a bit in college. And I never understood why. It was such a challenge. My personality can be a lot so I all I can assume is that it was too much for them. But in the end, I am better off without them. I hope they are all in good places. It sucks but it is a part of life. People can be so confusing!!